borrowed time.

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I am writing this at around 1am and for me, this is a really big thing (don’t worry Joshuanne, I’ll schedule the post for the morning lool). I haven’t written a post in a while, yet alone a personal one. But as I am struggling to sleep and I have this idea in my head, I figured that I might as well start writing now. It is pretty fitting considering the theme of the post.

Last year I was one of the last people to finish my exams, so I bet that you could imagine my excitement when I found out that this year I would finish in the first two weeks of the exam period. LIFE. SUMMER. FREEDOM. I finished my last ever exam on the 12th May. I was over the moon. I had made plans for the next two weeks. So many plans. I couldn’t wait. From the Thursday to the Sunday everything went the way that I planned. It was great. Life was great. But then on the Monday, as I got ready and prepared to go for my mentoring session in the evening, my body just felt so weak. I was aching. My eyes were burning as I struggled to watch the next episode of New Girl. I ate and then just felt the need to sleep. I emailed the leader and told her that I didn’t think that I would make it. I didn’t know what was wrong, I just assumed that I could sleep it off. A 24 or maybe 48 hour thing.

My friend messaged me asking about our plans tommorrow. I let her know how I was feeling and warned her that I might not be strong enough. I didn’t know that I wouldn’t. I was being sick and coughing and aching and doing all the things that I didn’t want to have to do. Eating became a chore. The next day was a friend’s birthday, I was taking each day as it comes thinking, hey I’ll get stronger. But as the time got closer, and after my warning about how I felt it turned out that I couldn’t go. The next day I had a flight booked to Glasgow, I was meant to visit a friend for a few days. I’ve never missed or cancelled a flight in my life. I thought I could make it. But as the time got closer I told my friend and tried to rearrange my flight for the next week. We had the dates all sorted. I thought that I would be stronger by then. But little did I know that within that time, I would have fainted twice, had the worst sleeps of my life and have a trip to A&E.

After I went to the hospital I was told that I had pneumonia. It sounded scary but I knew how I felt so I wasn’t too scared. They put me on a drip and gave me some antibiotics and I was out within a few hours. They told me I would be better within 48 hours, so there I was again, making plans. Give me a timeframe and I’ll fill it. Then Saturday came, it was more than 48hours, yet I was having problems breathing so back to A&E I went. Hooked back on the drip and given stronger meds this time, I thought to myself hey, I must be getting better. The first day was terrible. I messaged my friend telling her that I might not be able to make our holiday later this month. I had no clue. I was sleeping so much but this was the first day that I started eating properly again. I started craving foods and although it was a struggle, I was eating them. I spoke to my brother and told him about my holiday and he put things in perspective asking me how I could know that I wouldn’t be strong enough in a months time. I think that at that point I was just defeated and thinking the worst or not really thinking at all.

Over the next few days I started feeling stronger, taking each day as it came and I began to pray more for God to just take me out of this period. From the 16th May til today, my summer hasn’t looked anything like how I planned. Throughout all the cancelled plans and disappointment. Throughout the pain and needles. Throughout it all I couldn’t help but remember this scripture.

Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.

-James 4:13-15

I never used to understand that scripture. What is the point of life if we can’t make plans? But now when I think of it, it is not about us making plans but God willing it to happen. We could have so many plans but it is not our time, but time that God has given to us. This was definitely not the way that I planned on spending my first weeks of ‘freedom.’ But this was the first time in my life where I realised that I am not in control. It was a lesson learnt that at times felt like a punishment. But when I look back and realised that I had both a viral infection and an infection that could have been fatal, I can’t help but be grateful for the cancelled plans. The money lost on flights and events missed can’t compare to the health that I now have and won’t take for granted. I am not scared of making plans but I know now that when they do come through, I will definitely be thankful to God when they turn in to reality.

I am so thankful to God for bringing me through this. I am thankful to my family for looking after me. For my friends and for everyone who has prayed for me. I am truly beginning to understand just how great God is. He truly can heal and I am grateful that I am healed. At first, I thought to myself, let me write this tomorrow, but who knows what tomorrow has in store. We really are living on borrowed time. God has given us dreams of eternity, He has given us the ability to dream and to aspire for greatness. But the greatest accomplishment that we could ever make is surrender to Him and accept His love.

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